Perfectly Elementary?
by March Hare
Summary: What DO women see in Sherlock Holmes? More of an essay than a pastiche. The March Hare ponders this question, and the answer is quite... mad.


Hey all! Hare here, with a. . . well, it's not a fanfic, but it IS about Holmes. I wrote this essay in keeping with the Great Game, meaning I treat Holmes and Watson as if they were real people. Please enjoy, and don't forget to review!  
  
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Perfectly Elementary? What Women See In Sherlock Holmes  
  
by March Hare, the Mad  
  
What DO women see in Sherlock Holmes? What is the unfathomable attraction that pulls hundreds, nay, THOUSANDS of women worldwide to 221B Baker Street? What is the mysterious allure of this tall, intelligent man in a goofy hat? That's a good question, with any number of possible answers. Is it his appearance? His personality? His line of work, perhaps? Which of these, if any, apply?  
  
Let s begin with Holmes' physical character.  
  
"His very person and appearance were such as to strike the attention of the most causal observer." -Dr. Watson, A Study in Scarlet  
  
Sherlock Holmes' physical description is hardly definite. We know from Watson's copious accounts that he was over six feet tall and excessively lean with rather thick black hair (1) and piercing gray eyes. He had a high forehead, a thin, "hawk-like" nose, a prominent jaw and long-fingered hands. However, mere words cannot conjure a definite image. There exist hundreds of drawings of the Great Detective, most conflicting and drawn without models, and one badly-lit photograph. (2) Among these many images, the most highly credited are the Sidney Paget illustrations. If these sketches are put forth as the definitive Holmes, then we can safely conclude that, despite wishful thinking in hundreds of fanfics, Holmes was not a handsome man. The Paget drawings depict a balding Holmes with a sensitive face and a certain sense of posturing. However, just because Sherlock Holmes is not a Brad Pitt does not mean that he is not attractive. Attractiveness can be found in posture, in grace, and in intelligence, but this falls outside the realm of the physical. Ergo, we conclude that Holmes' appeal is not due to his features.  
  
Could it be his personality?  
  
". . . although in his methods of thought he was the neatest and most methodical of mankind, and although also he affected a certain quiet primness of dress, he was none the less in his personal habits one of the most untidy men that ever drove a fellow lodger to distraction." Dr. Watson, The Adventure of the Musgrave Ritual  
  
As a potential lover, Holmes' personal characteristics seem less than sterling. He is described as cold, arrogant, impersonal, erratically lazy, and one of the untidiest people on the face of the planet. Some of these indictments have come from Holmes' own lips, as he accused himself of being "the most incurably lazy devil to ever stand in shoe-leather," (3) among other things. To be perfectly fair, we must count his good characteristics as well. Holmes is hailed as brilliant, literate, courteous, chivalrous, tenacious, and an admirable chemist and musician. These traits, especially those of chivalry, do appeal to ladies of this century who long for courtesy. However, Holmes' previous shortcomings should stop all but the most patient and long-suffering women. Therefore, we cannot place the reason on Holmes' personal habits.  
  
Perhaps his intelligence?  
  
". . . I found myself regarding him as an isolated phenomenon, a brain without a heart, as deficient in human sympathy as he was preeminent in intelligence." Dr. Watson, The Adventure of the Greek Interpreter  
  
Holmes' brilliance is the stuff of legend. Indeed, his international fame and prowess can be placed solely on his towering intellect. The fifty-six short stories and four novels penned by the faithful Watson have spawned thousands of pastiches and fabrications, each one a tribute to the massive mental forces of the Great Detective. However, this self-same intellect had given Holmes a turn of decided superiority. He dismissed Poe's French detective Dupin as "a very inferior fellow,"(4) accused Gaboriau's Lecoq of being "a miserable bungler,"(5) and dismissed Inspectors Gregson and Lestrade as "the pick of a bad lot." (6) Holmes' mental acumen is certainly admirable, but the arrogance that accompanies it serves to almost dehumanize the detective. Consequently, Holmes' intelligence serves as a double-edged sword; it repels as well as attracts, failing to account for his myriad of female fans.  
  
What, then, could be the mysterious force behind Holmes' sex appeal? It is not his feature, nor his habits, and only partly his intelligence. What part of this man appeals to so many women around the world?? The answer, my fellow Sherlockians, is perfectly elementary.  
  
"The game is afoot!" Sherlock Holmes, The Adventure of the Abbey Grange  
  
It is the challenge.  
  
"But love is an emotional thing, and whatever is emotional is opposed to that true cold reason which I place above all things."(7)  
  
How many times have we heard Holmes reiterate this statement? How many times has he disparaged the "softer emotions," clinging to reason alone in his solitary existence? The occasions are too numerous to count. To women, it seems a waste of passion, a passion that is so evident throughout Holmes' work, a passion that he strives to hide from the world.  
  
A good example of this is the conclusion of the Six Napoleons, when Holmes revealed, seemingly from nowhere, the famed black pearl of the Borgias. Lestrade and Watson burst into admiring applause and Holmes, Watson writes, "ceased to be a reasoning machine, and betrayed his human love for admiration and applause."(8) A moment later, however, "he was the cold and practical thinker once more."(9) These glimpses of passion and emotion allow us to see through the cold, analytical mask to reveal the hidden fires beneath.  
  
What feminine breath does not catch as it reads of Holmes' struggles? And what feminine heart is not moved as the retired detective sighs, "My house is lonely"?(10) Women are inspired by the challenge, the Herculean task of moving the unmovable, of changing the fixed, of stripping the mask of reason to reveal the man behind.  
  
It is this reason that women worldwide are fascinated by Sherlock Holmes. The game is afoot, ladies, and our quarry is swift and cunning. But that is half the fun.  
  
Footnotes:  
  
(1) In the rather definitive biography, "Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street," W.S. Baring-Gould maintains that Holmes' hair was in fact brown.  
  
(2) "Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street also" boasts the world's only photograph of Sherlock Holmes, reportedly taken in Cettine, Montenegro.  
  
(3) A Study in Scarlet  
  
(4) Ibid  
  
(5) Ibid  
  
(6) Ibid  
  
(7) The Sign of Four  
  
(8) The Adventure of the Six Napoleons  
  
(9) Ibid  
  
(10) The Adventure of the Lion's Mane  
  
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Hope you liked it! Am I nuts to think this? Do you agree or disagree? Review and let me know! 


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